I don't mind any of it anymore.

Walking home from the train, the weather decided to turn against us. Well, the rest of us.

All of the sudden I wasn't angry anymore. And all of the sudden I didn't feel so guilty. Walking home slow in the downpour felt good, and I was going to take all the time in the world; Because that's all I've got.

It's hard to explain, so I'll do the best I can. Until you can experience it for yourself. And only then will know know how happy I was.

About half a block from my apartment, I realized that my father will never know what this feels like ever again. Rain. And that made me happy. Because I can still feel it. I can still open my palm and watch the little rain droplets splash around the wrinkles of my palm. I know it sounds cheesy, but if I wont, then who will?

Standing out in front of my apartment in the rain face upturned, made everyone stare. And I didn't mind that anymore. It probably didn't help that I had a huge smile on my face either.

I don't mind feeling angry.

And I don't mind feeling guilty.

I don't mind feeling any of it anymore.

For whatever reason the rain felt too good to get out of. When someone offered me their umbrella, it would make me annoyed that they chose to not feel it. I wanted to take off my sweater and my shoes and feel it all over. But I would probably get sent to central booking where ham sandwiches would await me. Instead, I took a lap around the block. And then another. And another. And another, until I was drenched.

It's kind of like the light bulb in your brain goes off, and all the sudden it all makes sense.

What all? I don't even know. But you just feel like you get it. All of it. And everything is finally fine, even if it isn't. This is what the buddhists must call nirvana. Or something close to it.

Even though I was completely soaked to the bone, I wanted to stay outside longer. But the grumbles from my stomach beckoned me away from the perfect wet weather.

Now I sit here typing this out to all of you soaking wet; in a state of which the rest of the world could do without.

And I'm way more than okay with that.