"Girl, your views are fucked."

Midtown.

1:54 pm.

Times Square is an orgy. An orgy of idiots. An orgy of consuming, fat, ugly idiots. I cant handle this for much longer.

2:08 pm.

Stop looking at the sky you pieces of shit, theres nothing up there. 

Nobody says excuse me.

Nobody says im sorry.

Fuck this place.

Fuck your business suit. 

Back to the green line with me

----

3:03 pm

Due to intoxication by processing chemicals, I'll get back to you when I don't have to concentrate so hard on falling asleep in a volitile liquid that reminds me of coloring easter eggs.

----

9:45 pm.

Gramercy Square park is forbidden. 

I need to go inside. Even if it's only for 10 seconds, I need to know how the concrete in there is more luxurious then the stink berry covered concrete out here.

The pine tree inside the gates is covered in rainbow lights. 

Its like an evergreen zoo, and they're holding this poor 30 foot christmas tree against its will.

Situation Number 4 : I've decided to either steal a key to this exclusive park, or climb the gate at 3:30 am. Seeing as its down the road from precinct 113, Im not too sure that either is a good idea. Also, I vow to avoid midtown at all costs.

Jingle bells my ass

"Mommy, whats a whore!?"

No, Timmy, its ONE HORSE open sleigh, not one whore. 

I cant make heads or tails of this place. The sausages are by the lemons and the garlic by the cereals. There are two different meats sections. I need to leave. People in grocery stores are just organized zombies. Maybe thats why there's two meats sections. More brains please, with a side of colon. Oh and I'll have some of my sanity back, large please. Thank you.

We decided not to split up. We'd do the list together. I have to pee.

Im lost, and we're only at our first stop on the tequila train to hell; Produce. The First circle. Where are the pears. Maybe satan would know, but I'm not asking anyone. 

"Can I help you look for something?"

No, heathen. be-gone. Holding up a pear and shaking my head, showed the red aproned demon that I knew what I was doing. Or, appeared to know.

Get me out of here. We're approaching the third circle; and how! 

MEAT. Please watch your step.

Why is everyone crouched over these refrigerators sorting through meat like we're at Macys and its labor day weekend. Discusting. Zombies, I tell you, zombies. The only problem is, they dont want my brains. 

Last and final stop: 7th Circle of Hell.

Please make sure you keep an eye on your belongings at all times.

Aren't conveyor belts supposed to move?

Don't people in silly red aprons work here?

"GIRL! The last time you was at church was not this weekend."

Apparently I am wrong.

"Yes I was! Me and my moms went!"

"Giiirl, your moms must've dragged yo' ass then. I went. I go to church erry sunday. You on the other hand... PSHHHAWW"

Ahem. Cough. My chicken wings are defrosting.

Ah, yes. here's the familiar dirty look. Oh I'm sorry, you can continue your conversation and not do your job.

 My apologies for assuming those kakis and orthopedic black shoes had anything to do with you being a cashier. 

My apologies for inadvertently paying your salary by purchasing these groceries. Carry on.

"Debit, and no; I do not want cash back"

I squish myself through familiar slush, familiar puddles, and across the ever familiar parking lot, looking for the white car with the black hood yet again.

Situation Number 3: Im never leaving my house again. You can order groceries online now, right?

Oh liver, you slay me

"HEYcanna I buysayougirlsa somedraanks?!"

Oh great. a drunken trailer park just pulled onto the lawn that is my life.

"Um no." Came my reply as I tried to keep this Heiniken Soldier from spewing beer-spit all over Kristy and me.

"Ooooh welllllla shya naut?"

Please take your tacky pink flamingos of of my beautifully cultivated kentucky bluegrass.

"I dont drink."

"Ohhhh no-a. I-a betyouz got a boyfrrnd"

Please pick up your cigarette butts from my doorstep.

"No I just dont drink."

"Ohhh wellsa. Whata do youuudoo?

Please go find somewhere else to bathe that isn't my bird bath. 

"I go to school in New York City."

"OOOOHH WELLSA IAWORK THEREA"

Please stop stealing my cable.

"Oh, yeah?! THATS GREAT"

"Oh-a. Iawas erjusttryin to talkatoya. You fugggin asshole"

Thank you for vacating the premises. Your rent was over due by 4 months.

Situation Number 2 : Fuck